1. Show up early.
2. Have your part prepared.
3. Take a pencil.
4. Sit up straight.
5. Pay attention

THE REAL RULES:

1. Always show up late for rehearsal. It lets the conductor know how much he needs you.
2. Don't practice too much ahead of time. You don't want to "peak" too soon.
3. If you take a pencil to rehearsal, take enough for everybody...and make sure the eraser is worn down. It helps give the music an antique look.
4. Always ad lib and take things up an octave. It shows initiative, and the composer would probably be grateful.
5. Always laugh out loud when someone misses a note. Humiliation builds character.
6. Always chew gum during rehearsal. It shows everyone that you can do two things at one time.
7. Never count during long rests. Rely on your neighbor to tell you when to play.
8. Always play the 4th Horn cues, because he always plays yours.
9. Always be the last one to cut off. Someone has to.
10. Always slouch in your chair. It shows you are relaxed.
11. Never play absolutely in tune. It sounds funny.
12. Always raise your hand during rehearsal and ask a stupid question. It helps kill time, and gives everyone a chance to stare at you.
13. Always make strange noises through your instrument. It draws attention to yourself.
14. Always beat your foot in time with a piece other than what you are playing.
15. Never let anyone play louder than you.
16. Always glance at the conductor. He likes to think he's in charge.

A Close and Factual Look at our Orchestral Brethren

Conductor:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to god

Concertmaster:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with god

Clarinet Player:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water on an indoor swimming pool
Talks with god if special request is approved

Oboe Player:
Makes mark high on a wall when trying to clear short buildings
Loses a tug-of-war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by god

Trumpet Player:
Barely clears a tool shed
Gets run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without injuring self
Dog-paddles
Has interesting conversations with animals

Trombone Player:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two times out of three
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls, argues with self

Tuba Player:
Too lazy to attempt getting up, let alone any sort of leap.
Drives the locomotive.
Stole some ammunition for fun. Though he has no gun.
Must wear floaties on both arms.
Doesn't believe in God.

Drummer:
Falls over self trying to climb into bed
Says, "Look, a choo-choo"
Doesn't even get a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Loses arguments with self

Horn Player:
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is God.